Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

I make it a point to be as honest as I can on here because if I'm going to lie I might as well not post...it doesn't do anything to help me and it certainly won't help anybody else who could be going through the same thing, for sure.

So here it is: I'm a 23 year old virgin that's having her first gynecologist appointment tomorrow to see if the symptoms I'm experiencing are due to endometriosis. And I'm freaking terrified.

I'm kind of glad for my stomachache today. It's not bad, but it's a reminder that it's a problem and that next week or so it'll be much, much worse, and that's why I'm doing this. It's why I have to go. I have to find out what this is and get it treated, if only so I can wear my clothes again.

Wear my clothes again? Yeah, wear my clothes again. My abdomen is so distended none of my pants fit because they're too tight in the waist, and none of my shirts fit because they don't go over my 5 months pregnant looking belly. Clothes that fit well enough 20 pounds ago don't anymore.

I'm doing my best to get ready, but there's so much to keep track of: different symptoms, different dates, different appointments, different medications, different procedures...I mean, I started noticing something was weird in February-- it's a lot to keep track of.

And I know the anticipation is much worse than anything that's going to happen tomorrow, but goodness knows that knowing that doesn't mean a thing in terms of anxiety. The nurses that take my blood pressure always comment on how fast my pulse is...I tell them it's because I never got good news in a doctor's office. They laugh, but it's true.

In fact, it's one of the reasons I took so long about getting to the GYN-- it was the one thing that never had any problems. Never a yeast, urinary tract or bladder infection, I'm not sexually active, my periods (were) light and regular with very little cramping (I'd just be really hungry), and there's no history of any kind of gynecological disorders in my family. So why go?

You know how nervous I am? I involuntarily shuddered earlier. Like an actual shudder.

I'm going to have a cup of tea...I need to relax.

Maybe I'll have a glass of wine with breakfast. I mean, really, it's just grape juice...