5 English Foods We Need in America

Here in the US, English food has a reputation of being bland and weird. While I didn't have spotted dick, and I'm not one for bangers and mash, there were things there I loved and miss so, so much. 

1.) Milk        

     

                                                  

 

It may sound ridiculous, but I miss English milk every day. Every day. 

The English pasteurization process is different from ours and strips less of the deliciousness from milk. Their milk is thicker, sweeter, creamier, and delicious-er. Their "skim" milk is like our 2%, their "partial fat" milk is like our whole milk, and their "full fat" milk is like an orgasm. It's the same kind of indescribable yumminess as a runny egg yolk. 

Plus, this fabulous milk makes all of their dairy products tastier as well: the cheese, the ice cream, the

2.) Chocolate

I know they look a little weird but, oh, my, so tasty. The chocolate itself is tastier (extra yummy milk inside, remember?), but, as you can see, over there they play with the texture of the chocolate more. Think about it-- our chocolate is all the same, it just comes in different shapes! Or, if anything, we just make it denser and softer in truffles and fudge. But there's other ways in the world, I promise.  

At the top of the picture is a Flake, a bar made of a thin sheet dribbled onto itself so it gets the appearance of being folded and folded and folded and folded. It's super crumbly and practically disintegrates when you bite into it, which allows the smaller crumbs to melt from the heat of your mouth while you chew the larger pieces, and therefore stopping the eternal question: Do I chew this bite or suck on it? 

Bottom right is an Aero Bar, a bar made of aerated chocolate. I finally got to try the Air Delight, Hershey's version of the Aero. Texture-wise, the Air Delight is spot-on, but I was thrown by the Hershey-ness of the chocolate. For some reason I didn't take into account that the bar would taste Hershey-y, so capturing the memory wasn't perfect but it's the closest I've gotten. The aerated chocolate is lighter (go figure) and melts easier, and my mother compared it to eating a regular bar of chocolate that had melted a little. Still tasty, though. 

Bottom left is a Kinder Bueno. KB is a wafer...thingy...with big pillows filled with hazelnut cream, the whole thing covered in chocolate. Muy bueno. Muy, muy bueno. 

3.) Pizza

I'm a proud born and bred Jersey Girl (more Bebe Neuwirth than Snooki), and we Jerseyans know our pizza regardless of Italian heritage or lack thereof. That being said, the idea of eating pizza in England scared me. Like the thought of eating Chinese food in England...England, the home of Bubble and Squeak. 

But then I realized that Italy is practically down the street from London, and, good God...it was fantastic. Boardwalk pizza fans know the importance of grease, to which I say that on every table in every pizza place in London is a bottle of chili oil. Let that soak in. And up. And all over your face and the 15 orange napkins littering the table. 

4.) Fry Ups

Also called a full breakfast or a full English breakfast or simply a full English, it's all the best savory breakfast foods on one plate. Does America really need more fried eggs, bacon, and sausage? No, but...beans are good for you! And mushrooms! Tomatoes! And it's important to eat breakfast at all, isn't it?

Finally...

5.) Crisps

Look familiar? No? 

What about this?

Yeeeeeeeeeeah. And you know what? Your beloved Lay's have been holding out on you. Yes! Holding out on you! Lay's, Walker's in England, gives its best love to England and leaving you the pitiful leftovers and you don't know the difference. I'm telling you the truth, though. American consumers are Lay's slutty mistress while Walker's has a home and family across the pond. It's why they're called Lay's here. 

Don't believe me? 

Walker's potato chip flavors available in England, not in America: 

Thai Sweet Chili

Cheese and Onion

Chicken & Thyme

Vintage Cheddar and Red Onion Chutney

Worcestershire

Steak and Onion

Prawn (Shrimp) Cocktail

Bacon

Lamb and Mint

Turkey & Bacon

Stilton & Cranberry

Roasted Chicken

Pickled onion...

Makes you feel a little dirty, doesn't it? Lay's has been holding out on us. Thankfully, McDonald's stopped when they brought their Sweet Chili McNugget sauce over here...Lay's is next, I say. Lay's is next. 

Now I'm hungry. 

I'm So Hungry

I know, I know, "Fight Club"...it's coming, I swear. It's just been a tough week, health-wise, but I'm feeling strong today so I think I'll get some real work done.

Part of the reason I'm feeling good was my tasty, tasty breakfast. Tasty. Tasty tasty. I did a riff on Almost Bourdain's Eggs Baked in Tomatoes and I'm thinking about doing another tomorrow, it was so good. I'm so pissed though: I can't find my ramekins. I had three (Gayle as the 4th) light blue ramekins and I can't find them. It's driving me nuts. I loved my ramekins. Anyway I fried up some onions a torn up a piece of ham cold cut (and a few drops of Worcestershire sauce) and put that in the tomato...then halfway through the 15 minute pre-cook I put in some cheese, and then when the 15 was up I cracked in the egg and baked that until the white was solid but the yolk was runny. IT WAS SO GOOD. A little wet, though, I'm going to put a little flour in the tomato tomorrow, I think, to help soak up some of the juice. My mother suggested a little piece of bread in the bottom, but I hate soggy bread.

You know what I REALLY hate, though? Mayonnaise. And don't think you're fooling me, chefs, I know what "aioli" is: mayonnaise. You'd think I wouldn't mind so much because I love eggs in about 99% of they ways they're prepared, and who doesn't like oil? But I hate everything about mayonnaise. Just thinking about it makes me a little nauseous.

Anyway, the tomato and egg was delicious.

I'm so hungry. Like, massively hungry. All day. I'm like a bottomless pit. Anybody else get like that when they ovulate? It's almost as bad as PMS...or MS...MS being "menstrual syndrome" which isn't really a thing but it should be so people will stop confusing "pre-menstrual syndrome" for the issues related to the, you know, actual thing itself. You know what I mean.

Not the point. The point is I'm crazy hungry.

OOOOH, you know what's awesome? I saw it today in Wawa, Hershey is making a new candy bar: the Air Delight! It's an aerated chocolate bar, and I used to eat them all the time when I was studying abroad in London. According to the Huffington Post, aerated chocolate is a $500 million industry-- it just hadn't made its way here yet. And I'm so excited! It's another thing I can cross off my list of "English Foods I Wish Were Here", first was Sweet Chili sauce at McDonald's (yummmm). In fact, that may become a post because there are many, haha.

The commenters on that Huff Post article are pretty bitchy. I'm not sure why. A surprising number are freaking out about air being incorporated into the bar that they're paying for-- but it would work out to a fraction of a penny, OR not even any, because an aero bar is taller than a normal bar.

God, I miss London. If I could walk there, I would. Just...stroll across the ocean.

Cheers, folks. Go buy yourself an Air Delight.

Invisible Women

An interesting link popped up in this morning's Morning Cup O' Links over at Mental_Floss: Harassment and Visible Womanhood


The idea is that there are "visible" women and "invisible" women, and that the "visible" women are subject to sexual harassment from men because they're attractive, and "invisible" women are ignored because they're not. So then, the "invisible" women want to be harassed, or are jealous of the attention the visible women get. 


I don't like the use of "harassment" here, because it's not always harassment that happens, but there is a certain amount more attention paid to the visible. 


I used to be visible. Yes, there was a time I was visible. The most annoying thing was the car horns, because I don't drive so I'd end up walking a lot. I walked to the local bagel place once and got 12 beeps, 7 on the way there, 5 on the way back. I only ever got one comment, a creepy old guy in Wawa said I had nice legs (so he may have been blind), but other than that it was just looks. Men used to look at me. Older, younger, didn't matter, if I walked by them they looked at me. It was fun-- a little eye batting, maybe a nod, smirk, or sly smile. Once when I was studying abroad in London a friend of mine and I were at one of the festivals along the Thames (there's a freaking lot of them), though this one was at night for some reason. Anyway, as we walked down the river two cops came up in the opposite direction. One of them and I made eye contact and gave each other little smiles, then after we passed by each other I turned back to get one last look as he was tragically cute-- and he had turned back around, too! We locked eyes again and laughed to each other before turning back around. 


Those little moments don't happen anymore. I miss that connection, that instant where two strangers acknowledge each other. I didn't know how tied in that was to my weight until I gained a bunch. Now I realize it happened because I was at one time cute and not because it was something sweet or polite to do, like I thought. It never occurred to me that it was because these guys found me attractive, I mean, I'm a modest dresser-- not Duggar modest but I don't wear terribly low-cut shirts because I don't like breathing on myself (no, really, I can feel the air coming out of my nose brushing my skin if my top's cut too low and I hate it) and I can't wear shorts or short skirts because of the scars on my thighs from cutting so it's not like I was ever all slutted-out. And makeup looks really horrendous on me. I mean, I can wear mascara, and I only have one shade of lipstick that I can wear and I only do that when I'm going out for the night and not going to be eating, drinking, or kissing anything so...8 times out of 10, when I leave the house, I'm not wearing any makeup at all. And I hate my hair. And my skin kind of sucks. So why would I ever think those moments were tied up in my attractiveness? 


I still try for it, though. I pass a man I look up at him through my lashes, or twitch back a corner of my mouth in a little smile, but now there's no reaction. It's like I'm not there. Like I'm invisible. Even with the less attractive guys-- I did it with any guy around my age or older because I thought it was polite and it was just an extra bonus if they were cute.




Don't get me wrong, I'm glad nobody honks anymore; I'm kind of high strung so I used to jump every time a horn blared because I wasn't expecting it and it startled me. I don't miss the honking. 


But I do miss the acknowledgement. I do miss that second of sharing a friendly moment with a stranger. The memories are a little sullied now, knowing there was some naughtiness around it but it was still sweet. It's lonely now, walking down a street when nobody sees you. 


For what it's worth, kids, I see everybody.