Being Unemployed is Hard Work: A Stream (of consciousness) Style Saturday Summary

Clearly I've been posting less this month as I've been subbing. It's good that I'm actually bringing a little money in (I have a grand total of $27 in my bank account and $27 cash, ooooh yeah.), but, like with The Internship from Hell, I'm too tired to do anything else.

I actually fell asleep downstairs for the first time in...I can't even remember the last time I fell asleep downstairs. I imagine it had something to do with mono. Not only did I fall asleep downstairs, come to think of it, I fell asleep during The Big Bang Theory, and that's serious. I haven't seen the boyfriend Herbert since the end of June, so TBBT is like having Herbert around a little bit.

He's kind of Sheldon-ish.

Rather Sheldon-y.

In his, and my, defense, the only character on TBBT that I would consider dating would be Sheldon. Maybe, maybe Leonard, but only after Sheldon rejected me. And that's not just my Reverse Gay-dar for Jim Parsons talking because, like I said, Herbert is rather Sheldon-y.

In fact, I found a word today that explains my affliction. Not the reverse gay-dar affliction, but my attraction to intelligence: sapiosexuality, or "being attracted or aroused by intelligence and its use." So that, plus my affinity for the tall and thin, adds up to my attraction to Sheldon and, of course, Herbert.

What was I talking about?

Right: fatigue and its impediments to productivity. I've got surprising amounts of work piled on my head for someone so unemployed...being unemployed, itself, is an incredible amount of work, as it turns out.

--I need to write a letter to the director of my high school's spring musical to offer my costuming skillz and beg for any amount of money I can get-- at least enough to cover supplies, I absolutely have to be able to not lose any money on this deal because, obviously, I don't have any money to lose. I can't get further into debt on another costuming whim.

It hurts to call it a whim. To reduce it that way...but it makes it easier to give up a dream.

It hurts to know I can't live the life it requires to do the work.

Sister-in-Law Janet suggested I start a website of children's costumes or pageant dresses, but, of course, the problem is the start-up capital. So I get a cheap domain and my brother Arthur does the site design/creation thing, where does the money come from for the fabric & etc.? Where do I get a model or advertising?

It's kind of funny how you need money in order to make money.

-- I need to look for jobs. Which is hilarious. I'm unemployed, but I'm too busy working, or tired from working, to look for jobs.

There's another layer, too, where that now that the school year has started, the in-school or about-school-somehow-vaguely jobs have been filled and therefore taking out a large portion of where I was looking (the possibility of getting state employee health insurance makes my mouth water) which is a major shame but my only income and only possibility of income began with school starting.

Yeah, figure that one out. This is my life now.

-- I have work to do online. Work on this blog (I missed my own launch of Wednesday Weigh-Ins, augh), I have Chandler's half of our Lion King review/analysis to work into mine, advertising this blog to find some more readers, and working on the launch of the second (more professional, far less personal) blog...which I had an excellent idea for last night that, while awesome, opens up whole new doors of work. Of course.

That blog will have ads, so maybe it will bring in a little scratch...but how do I advertise? Augh. Work.

-- Offline work: novels. I had breakthroughs on two of them and have hit a very hard wall on the third.

Plus, I need to do something about my bedroom...it really hit me the other day that I'm not going anywhere any time soon (you'd think I would have figured it out already...)...I know I mentioned it the other day but...damn...I really do need to do something about that. It may help my mindset.

Like those people that are like, "Messy room, messy mind."

It's funny how I get more and more normal as my health improves. I'm less whacky than I thought, as it turns out. For example, I got up this morning at 9:30 a.m. and I just feel more productive without actually, you know, being more productive. I really haven't gotten anything more done but it just feels good. Honestly, more normal.

Oh, AND I need to apply to grad school, but I can't afford to apply to a bunch and get screwed on application fees plus what it costs to take the GREs...damn.

...

6 days until my next appointment with Dr. S., so maybe we can take another step towards straightening me out. I think the Lyrica is helping (Say what!), but it's not at the level it needs to be...not yet. So I need more. We'll talk about that.

We'll also talk about the Mystery Diagnosis that hasn't seen much of a change...maybe a little dullness, but it's all still there. Le sigh.

AND, to top it all off now, I need a nap. Of course I do. Damn it.

Hang in there, everyone.

Is it Okay to Watch Homeland?

Showtime unveiled its new show Homeland last night to rave reviews.

I watched it, and enjoyed it, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable watching it.

Claire Danes plays Carrie Mathison, a CIA agent with a personal secret that could ruin her career. Carrie receives a message that an American prisoner of war (POW) has been "turned". Damian Lewis plays Sgt. Nicholas Brody, a presumed dead POW that was recently found-- the only known living American POW. Carrie immediately assumes Brody is the American turncoat and secretly has Brody's house bugged and rigged with video cameras. Through the episode new information comes to light that forces the viewer to question what they have seen as things aren't always as they seem as Brody tries to re-assimilate into family life. It's a gripping drama, to say the least.

My problem with it is that I'm not sure I want to support its being made at all. Like I said before, I love Showtime's shows (The Big C and Mental Illness), and this one is no exception-- but should this story be being told now?

After the success of Schindler's List Holocaust movies became popular. Then came Titanic and Saving Private Ryan and Forrest Gump and Pearl Harbor. Only 5 years after September 11 World Trade Center came out.

I didn't see World Trade Center, nor do I want to. I'm not a big Nicholas Cage fan, and I think the powers that be in Hollywood were preying on our nation's still-raw nerves. It was too, too soon. At that point we didn't need perspective, we didn't need to see what it was like to live through that day-- we remembered. It's been 10 years and I still remember the necklace I was wearing (My September 11, 2001). It's not like a generation had passed and our children were wondering what happened, or even several generations where 9/11 would have been a distant memory that people were vaguely curious about, like Titanic. World Trade Center served no purpose other than to make money.

So what makes Homeland any different? The angle of a POW returning home after 8 years is interesting (even though Brady's children seem to barely notice), and having him see how things have changed at the house and in his relationship with his wife (who'd recently begun seeing someone else), but Brothers did that.

Come to think of it, so far all of Brody's traumas are those that Tobey Maguire's character suffered in Brothers.

Homeland adds the CIA element, which, while interesting, is so far about the abuses of power committed by Carrie and her mysterious but extremely powerful friend (boss/coworker?) Saul, played by Mandy Patinkin.

It's all hitting a little too close to home.

And if the show succeeds, can we expect more in this vein? The day after the next tragedy are people going to start casting?

It takes the art out of the production, the grace. It's no longer storytelling, it's babbling for money. Writers watching the news and spitting out a story, not taking the time or making the effort to show the audience something unique.

Film is such a powerful medium, but Hollywood is killing it with its greed. Endless sequels and remakes and formulas-- sucking the passion and originality out of everything. Writers are worthless-- who cares what your book was actually about? Yeah, I'm looking at you The Other Boleyn Girl and My Sister's Keeper. Directors are only allowed to follow their heart when they've proven they can make money by following Hollywood's rules, and even then they're on a leash.

And yeah Homeland is good, it plays your emotions like a fiddle: breaking you down, building you up and leaving you wanting more, but does that make it good?

All of this together still leaves me with the question: is it okay to watch Homeland?

"The Big C" and Mental Illness

I really enjoy Showtime shows, and I watch (or watched, as the case may be) almost all of them. Weeds, Dexter, Nurse Jackie, Shameless, The Tudors (!), I even enjoyed the first two seasons of The United States of Tara, even with its corny name.

And I enjoy The Big C. I think it's a clever premise, I mean, it's got a built-in tidy ending so it can pretty easily avoid the cruel fates of Pushing Daisies and Dead Like Me. The cruel, cruel fates...

The Big C tells the story of Cathy Jamison, a suburban teacher, wife, and mother suddenly diagnosed with stage IV melanoma. The show follows Cathy using her remaining time to live her life to the fullest, reconcile with her family and past, and seeking treatment to extend her time. It's got an awesome cast and fabulous writing, realistic story lines, humor, and genuine heart.

But for all its good points, and there are many, The Big C has been toying with mentally ill characters and I'm not entirely sure they're handling it well.

The first hit came during the premiere of season 2, first airing June 27, when we suddenly find out-- with no warning, no build up-- that Cathy's fundamentalist environmentalist homeless freegan brother is bipolar. This revelation turns Sean from an awesome, funny Earth warrior to an unmedicated nutcase, which destroys his credibility because it turns his truthy diatribes on the evils of the first world into paranoid ramblings. The sickest part of it is that it seems the only reason they did it is so they could have Cathy say, "I'm fighting for my life and you're throwing yours away" when she's convincing him to go back on his medication. I understand wanting to put that in there, but it could have been done so much better in so many different ways. It just felt cheap.

And you can see the change in the way John Benjamin Hickey plays him now, Sean isn't the uber-genius disillusioned with life, he's darker now...angrier. He talks a little louder, a little fiercer. He doesn't play Sean's ideas as reasonable anymore, they're obsessive thoughts that Sean will hear no word against.

On the August 22nd episode, "A Little Death", we're introduced to a new character played by Parker Posey. Poppy is a childish woman in her 30s that befriends Cathy's teenage son Adam on an online forum for cancer patients' children. Soon after Adam, and we, meet Poppy in person we see a series of parallel scars on her arm from cutting. Adam makes a face when he notices them but doesn't say anything. On the most recent episode, Poppy takes Adam to her high school reunion where, after an uncomfortable encounter with former tormentors, Poppy locks herself in the bathroom to cut herself while she sends Adam to buy feminine hygiene products for her. Adam sees the marks, and makes another face, but again doesn't say anything to her.

Later in the episode Adam asks Cathy if she remembers a little neighbor boy that used to bite himself, and asked her why she thinks he did it. She responds that the little boy was going through some hard times, and Adam responds that what happened wasn't the boy's fault. Cathy says she thinks it was because when some people go through things they take out the hurt and frustration on themselves instead of others. Adam says this is "f***ed up" and Cathy agrees. I don't have any problem with this, really...it makes sense and realistically demonstrates the average person's understanding of self injury. I'm curious to see how this plays out in future episodes.

But then Sean's instability is brought back into focus when he, still reeling from his fiance's miscarriage, runs away after hearing his new neighbors singing to their perpetually crying baby. Sean leaves a note saying as much, which Cathy finds...scrawled onto the wall of Sean's living room in paint.

I wonder about the research the writers of shows do regarding these things. The United States of Tara handled Tara's mental illness well, but they never touched on the chronically ill. The Big C is doing a great job analyzing the angles that come with being sick, but so far their treatment of the mentally ill doesn't feel as sensitive or realistic.

I'm going to keep watching, but it's definitely something that's affecting my viewing experience. Anybody else?