Another Day in Hell

The past few days have been brutal, and as such I'm terrified of the pain that's coming...since this thing changes with my cycle I know I've got a little over a week before it becomes excruciating again and there's nothing I can do about it...from now til then the discomfort's going to grow incrementally until the day comes when it's unbearable. Considering that it's been getting worse with every month that goes by and last month it was so bad I cried I'm really, really scared of what's coming.

I haven't heard from the GYN about my ultrasound results. Chances are that since the CT scan didn't show anything that the ultrasound won't show anything either, but it's still nerve-wracking-- especially since they wouldn't let me see the images during the test so I don't know what the doctor is looking at, I can't be sure there's nothing.

I keep going over the CT images, making sure there isn't anything that the doctors might have missed being too focused on my stomach and intestines, any blip of anything, but there's nothing there.

So then I think maybe the ultrasound got a different angle or something...but if there was a cyst or tumor the doctor would have called right away...but maybe he hasn't even seen it yet?

So then what's next after that? An MRI? Surgery is coming as long as these things keep coming up negative.

I don't know what to do. Do I keep applying for jobs? What if I get one? Can I handle it? How can I be reliable when I know I've got semi-random crippling pain several days a month?

So if I can't work, then what? Disability? That's barely enough to live on...how would I pay my bills? Medical, credit card?

And if I went on disability, would I still be able to write? Like if I open the new blog with ads, or by some miracle I get an agent interested in me?

I'm stressing myself out now. I'm going to go knit and pretend that I'm normal.

Point Blanc

Better late than never, I say.


Hung with Four today, and it turns out that not only does he read Salami & Orchids, he hates his nickname. So his new name is Blanc and he better not complain about this one because I'm not changing it again. Just like Empire Records, man, you get one veto.


Blanc and I hung out for like, 6 hours today, and I don't know about him but I had a ball.


We had an interesting conversation about success. Not like, "I have loving friends and family" success but success in the entertainment business, an area we're both looking for a little love in. Well, him a little more than me because I'd be willing to settle for hate, and given the central plot of the novels I'm working on hate is much more likely. Either way we're looking for success and it's a strange battle...a major portion of which is, of course, the rejection.


Everyone's heard the stories of how many times incredible authors were rejected before they sold their novels so I'm completely unfazed by that. I imagine the rejection is much harder on Blanc-- as a stand-up comedian it's right in his face if he doesn't get the laughs he wants or deserves, and it's right in his face when other people do better with crappy material. Crappy literally as so many comedians use blue or toilet humor to get laughs. I at least get the buffer of the rejection coming as an emailed note...the agents are also nice enough to say "I'm not right for this project" instead of "You really, really suck."


Blanc, though, doesn't suck- he is a finalist in Fox and the New York Television Festival Comedy Script Contest (here) and I couldn't be more proud!!


The hardest part for me is the absolute drivel that gets published every day while I sit here waiting to be noticed by someone. It's not that I'm such a snob that I think lower-brow work shouldn't exist, of course it has its place, it's just...I guess it's just my narcissistic view that I have a place, too.


The part that's been most difficult for me has been the terror that with the controversial nature of my work that my writing has to be perfect and my execution has to be perfect in order to be taken seriously and not being another Da Vinci Code. Or, no, not even The Da Vinci Code, but The Lost Symbol-- a book that, coming after Angels and Demons and TDVC, had such anticipation built around it to be provocative, if not brilliant (in the sense of its success, not so much its merits), turned out to ultimately say nothing and was therefore disappointing. With such sensitive subject matter you have to really nail it...I'm not sure why. Is it because it's as though a part of the work is sort of done for you? That you're standing on the shoulders of a giant so you had better be able to reach the peanut butter on that shelf? Or is it because you're fighting against a built-in tide of disapproval? Like you're a minority (gender, race, opinion, what-have-you) so you have to do it ten times better than everyone else just to get the respect you deserve?


But then that brings me back to the quality of Blanc's work against the potty mouths that he comes up against that occasionally get bigger laughs with cheap humor which leads to a discussion of the distrust of intelligence in entertainment, which leads to the pride this country has been taking in its ignorance...those topics are enough for posts in their own right and probably will be one day, but not today...I'm getting a headache.


And, oh my, it's time for bed. Goodnight, blog, I'll see you tomorrow.

May Contain Spoilers

The number of pageviews I've received from people using Internet Explorer is gross. Do that many people- or that one person?- still use IE? Augh. People. Really. Let's stop. My Firefox was being stupid one day so I had to use IE and I almost threw my laptop out of a window which would have rendered it only slightly more useless. 

It's for your own good, really.   

Just read they're making a movie out of "What To Expect While You're Expecting". After reading my sisters-in-law's copies I've got to say there's isn't a whole lot funny about vaginal discharge. Although, if memory serves, month 5 typically involves digestive upsets and excessive gas, and Lord knows excessive gas is hilarious. I freaking hate Hollywood. 

Just wait until I find an agent that isn't afraid of being excommunicated. I'll show you entertainment, bitches. 

Yeah, I'm still on the agent search. I've sent 10 query letters so far and only got 2 "No"s, which I figure is pretty good, considering. I'd give hints but to put these things out there kind of defeats the purpose of trying to find somebody to pay me to write it. Let's just say some of my ideas are...incendiary. 

Remember my font selection? How do I make it my default font? I really dislike Times New Roman and it grates my eyeballs to look at it. 

UPDATE ON THE GREAT CURL PROJECT: I may have figured out my plan of attack. I'm pretty excited. I'll put up a picture tomorrow if things continue to go well. 

Tomorrow may also be the day I post about the Internship From Hell. I keep dreaming about it...I think I need to purge it so I can move on. Get it all out and leave it here. Blegh. 


I need to stop writing about the things I'm going to write about and actually write those things. I'll work on that. 

All for now. I need to go bake the focaccia I started last night- should be tasty.