Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Self-Analysis and Pondering

Busy busy busy busy weekend. I ended up babysitting one of my nephews Friday, then my brother, his wife, and their baby came up from Maryland for the weekend, AND we went to my brother's best friend's house-- he and his wife just had a baby, so we all went to meet the little girl together.

Then yesterday I was sleeping.

The nephew afterglow should last about a week, so we shouldn't have any depressed posts for a little while. They steady me-- no matter what else my brain is saying, I can't ever leave them. In fact, before I was medicated, in my lowest of low moments when I was at the absolute brink of suicide my thoughts would fall on my boy and I would lose the nerve.

I've always felt selfish about it, though. That if I really wanted what was best for him (or now "them") I'd take myself out of the equation because I'm not good for anybody. That my staying does more damage than my leaving, but I suppose it's whatever it takes.

My grandmother committed suicide when I was 2. Her note read that she couldn't stand the world her grandchildren were growing up in, and that stuck with me...because why, then, wouldn't she stay to try to make it better?

I wonder a lot about her. How would my life have been different? Her mother lived to 96, would she still be alive now if she would have died naturally? Her father died the day she did because he had a heart attack when he was told his daughter died-- would I have gotten to know him? My brother and cousin are both named after him, the family adored him, my father tells us stories about him every time the opportunity arises.

What would my life have been like? What would I be like?

Intellectually I know I have to stay, staying's the right thing it's just...when I'm in that mindset though, under the water or whatever, I can't see it. Or it doesn't matter.

I know I said I'd be taking a break from the depressing stuff, my bad. I just started talking about my boys and  then I just started analyzing. It's probably good, really, to look at what I was feeling while I'm not feeling that way anymore.

My gastroenterologist said I should be seeing a psychologist...I tried it for a little while in college but the woman was...an idiot...and it really turned me off to the whole thing. At one point she said "I don't blame you for cutting!" in response to a story I told her. What good does that do? I mean, I know what she meant, but how do you say that to someone who's trying NOT to cut?

It'll be two years in October since I last cut. I miss it every day. Damn Herbert and his ultimatum...


Anyway...so...that's what's going on at the moment. More to come.      

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