Friday, December 30, 2011

Fear and Loathing

If November was bad, December was worse.

What the hell am I going to do? How do I live life this way? It hasn't been this bad since before I started treatment.

I had an appointment with Dr. S. the other day and he said the reason I may be spiraling could be an underlying, un-presented autoimmune disease- the big four of those being Multiple Sclerosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Scleroderma, and Lupus. know...good news.

Dr. S. gave me a bunch of Soma so I can spot-treat my muscle spasms, which are on the list of things getting worse. My neck was so bad earlier this month I didn't sleep for a week. I came ridiculously close to melting down.

He also gave me a good deal of Prednisone, a steroid, to help combat any autoimmune issues I may be having. Good news for that is I should know very soon if it will work, so fingers are crossed but not...autoimmune diseases are nasty little buggers and I want no part of them- how do you stop a body from literally self-destructing? Awful, awful mess.

And he took me off the Savella, because it was pretty clearly not doing anything at all. Sigh.

The times when I know I should be depressed but can't be because of the meds are strange. I see commercials or TV shows showing someone as a "loser" or someone without value or a vested interest in life: no money, no job, no school, no future, no hope-- for whatever reason: the one was a guy was eating 80 times more pizza than the average American while unknowingly lactose intolerant and it ruined his school and career and sports. To get his whole life back on track all he had to do was stop eating pizza three meals a day. Logically I know I'm far, far, far more screwed than that, and should, really, be in a pit of despair over being in a horrible situation with little hope of escape...but the drugs keep me in a decent mood about it.

Another example, I'm turning 24 in two weeks-- rapidly approaching quarter-life when I haven't gotten to experience even half of that. It should be depressing. But I'm kind of okay with it.

I've been squeaking out days of work or time with family or Herbert, especially around the holiday, but those moments only serve to underline how much everything else sucks.

Dr. S. apologized to me for having trouble working this out. He said it was embarrassing that all of my blood work is so beautifully clear but I'm hanging on by a thread.

God, I want this mess to be over...I want this mess to be over so badly.