Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Hitler's Love Life

While I probably shouldn't keep comparing my boyfriendly-type-creature to Hitler, but I can't help that Eva Braun and Hitler's relationship is such a perfect representation of my dynamic with Herbert. 

Herbert and I dated in high school, but broke up over his emotional affair with my best friend. I didn't speak to him for about 3 years after that, then we started instant messaging for about a year...which lead to phone calls, and we talked almost nightly for another year or so, but I refused to see him. I was afraid to, really, I couldn't imagine what it'd be like to see him again. Finally, 2 years ago this August, I agreed to see him again. He came over my house when my parents were on vacation in another state, and it was funny, I still refused to look at him. He was in my house, literally inches away from me but I wouldn't look at him. 

Eventually I did and the day after the day after I saw him for the first time he came over again, and we kissed for the first time a second time. So we've been on the "together" side of the relationship spectrum ever since. 

Between then and now, of course there was the mistrust thing and how Herbert the whole big fight we'd had had changed his views on relationships and he's now...he hasn't used the word "poly-amorous" but that's essentially what it is. Eventually we had the discussion where I said I wasn't going to tolerate anything less than monogamy. When I told him of a crush I had on a guy at The Internship From Hell he had no reaction, which I discussed in the Swallowed in the Sea post, "Is love even possible without jealousy? He said it'd be hypocritical of him, and it would, but what good is love without possession? If my affection isn't worth getting jealous over, worth being afraid of losing, then what does it matter?

Eva Braun spent 13 years madly in love with Hitler while he ignored her. She wanted desperately to be married, he didn't. She wanted children, he didn't. She ended up, essentially, wasting her 20s and 30s because she was in love with a man who wouldn't commit. 

I can't decide if I admire her for sticking with him or if I think she was kind of stupid...or maybe weak. I've always thought, since Herbert explained this to me, that he and I wouldn't be able to last very long because I can't be a part of that lifestyle. I want to be married,  I want to have children and it's not something that I'm willing to give up. I want someone to be my partner and join my family, to celebrate holidays and birthdays and...just live as a unit. I want a partner. In order to have that the time's going to come where I'm going to have to make the choice to leave him. 

But the thought of that is horrifying. I do truly love Herbert, I very much want him to be a part of my family, life, and future...maybe if/when the time comes it'll be I can hardly imagine it. 

Hitler married Eva 36 hours before they committed suicide together. 

I can sort of understand her not leaving him...she certainly had the opportunity, and he even told her to go. She didn't even have to die with him, her friends and family and even Hitler himself all pleaded with her to run away before it was too late to avoid the advancing Russian army, but she didn't. That's serious dedication and love. 

I don't know...I don't know what I'm going to do or when I'm going to do it. I guess my best option is to just enjoy it while it lasts and make the hard decisions later, when my hand is forced...I finished the Eva Braun book and now that I've written about it I'll be able to not think about it so much. It's been purged, so to speak. At any rate, finishing the book now takes it out of my face. 

I think I'll write a non-Herbert related review tomorrow, as it's kind of an ignored aspect of the war and an interesting view of it. 

Until then, loves. 

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